Archive of "Life" Category
Overwhelmed and underpaid
The other night I was thinking about how much money my wife and I used to make when we lived in TX. I had a job as a Youth Pastor and Andrea worked in HR at a large company. We have consistently made less money every year after we moved back from TX.
I can see looking back how we have made our life hard finatially. I used to believe that to be in God’s will you had to suffer. This lead me to a martyr world view that produced suffering. There is enough pain in the world, it does not need me to create more.
I now believe we make choices, based on our values. Over the past several years I have made it clear that I do not value financial security. I no longer feel this way. I can now relate to most Americans.
meeting with friends
The past two days I have been able to spend time with friends.
Unfortionatly this is rare for me and becoming scarce as the business grows.
The problem is simple: One Village Coffee is about helping a community internationally, but I continually become more compelled to develop community locally. Simply stated: I believe relationships are the foundation for change, the kind of change that is sustainable.
The kind of feeling you get when you listen to Sigur Ros on a ride home, with the full moon guiding your way.
Sunday I drove around my town stoping at six different places with a dear friend, who was brave enough to start this venture with me. We were looking for a place to share a drink and catch up on life. Even though we work together, rarely do we spend time listening to eachothers lives.
Sunday was a meaningful night…
Today I had the oppertunity to meet up with some new friends three different business people in my area. During my time with them, I started to realize how significant relationships are and how little time I spend developing them since I started this business.
I feel like I have to do everything in my power to make this thing work. I have a deep fear that if I take my eyes off the task at hand, the whole thing will crumble.
However, in my quest to solve a specific social issue through business, I have personally suffered. I have become lopsided in my perspective of purpose. The reality is, even if and when what I am apart of completes something significant, that is not the most important thing in life, that is not my identity. My identity is somewhere between what people see and what I see in myself.
Here is where I live, somewhere in the tension of significance to myself and significance to others. This is where I need another perspective. A God’s eye view, which I know is impossible, but I desire non the less. I desire a God, bigger than my reality, bigger than my identity. Something to worship more than a cause, a being to believe beyond myself.
I have begun a journey to the center of all things.
Sometimes I think bad thoughts about other people I don’t know…
Why do we judge each other?
Honestly, what do you think?
This weekend I was in “the wildwoods” and I was around a majority of people outside of my everyday context. People whom like Nascar, Bud Light, Marlboro Red, the NRA, among other things stereo typical of this demographic.
But wait, we all are apart of a demo graphic and to some extent we are all stereotypical.
Differentiating ourselves in a myth, we create an ego that pulls us outside the everyday reality of who we really are. It is in very brief moments of clarity that our nature is revealed.
Like when we are sick, or scared. The truth is we are HUMAN.
For some people, like myself, who have come out of a conservative Christian worldview this is a scary reality. Why, because God judges the wicked, evil man (HUMAN), and condemns them to death for their wickedness? (This is the philosophy I operated out of for most of my adolescense.)
I would be lying if I said, “I am gracious to myself”. I think the root of this judgment and poor thinking of others comes from a misguided “Christian” world-view.
Today I have been practically reminded of how this worldview of sin, death and judgment affects people in a negative way.
A buddy was talking to me tonight about a concerned friend who wants to make sure, my buddy, still believes the right stuff. Still believing the TRUTH.
The truth is we don’t Know.
The truths in the Gospels are simple. “Die so that you might live.”
*Jesus died is a hard argument to loose.
*Jesus rose again, that is a hard argument to win.
Why is it so important to win?
Jesus lost. His followers lost.
The most compelling part of the story of the Gospels from my reading is that Jesus rose again.
When we see Jesus, do we see a blond haired, blue eyed, white guy, or do we see the person smiling at us across from a craft food booth in Wildwood, (the Wildwoods), with a couple of browned teeth who is doing his best to love.
I want to follow Jesus…
Random thoughts for the way home
I drive three to five days out of the week for my job. I go anywhere from Lehigh, Princeton, Philly, and Wilmington.
I see a lot of changes when drive…
Today I noticed several business’s closing. One of them was a theater, the other was a furniture store. (Why do furniture stores always go out of business?)
My answer is, IKEA.
Recently I furnished my living room with the gift from George Bush for all of those who support the war or pay taxes. Actually I do not know why we got money, but like a consumer I went and spent it.
This is the first time in my life my wife, Andrea and I furnished a room in one of our space with stuff we like. In the past we would fill it with stuff we thought we should buy, like a good married couple. Tonight one of my friends was over and he said, “your apartment does not feel like a married couple lives here. It feels like one of you are single.” I later commented that I am not sure if he meant that is a positive or negative. I guess we no longer fill our space with “married” peoples stuff.
Space matters, and if I am going to live in it, I would like to enjoy where I live. (hey look I am even blogging because of the space I am in right now)
Coffee, Conversation, And Community development
Andrea, my wife of six years this June 1st, is finishing her MBA in ecconomic development from, and I was able to spend an evening with her class, which confirmed my need to be around more thinking Christians. People who are engaged in the world, realizing, “hey I can not change the world, but I can make an impact, and I can find a role in this great big world that fits…”
I enjoyed our conversations at “Fridays” and once again found my self confirmed in what I am apart of at One Village Coffee.
This Past weekend my friend Josh Smith and wife Gina Smith came up from Maryland to celebrate his graduation from .
This past weekend we shared meals and stories of our journey.
Friday evening Jared Byas , Josh and I sat on the upper porch off my “man room” to be… and spoke of our dreams to develope community to see trasformation of culture and lives for the betterment of the the world.
The ideas past around that evening were inspiring and once again confirming the place I am right now with where I live, what I do and what I am preparing to do.
The feelings of being behind the curve or underprepared seem to rear their head when i am around my younger counter parts who have taken on responabilities like; Master Degrees, Children and Pastoral position in a church.
After this weekend several things have been concluded in my mind.
It is time to start planing for a coffee shop for community development in partnership with the vision of One Village Coffee.
It is time to start planning for a child.
It is time to start planning for new education in the world of managment, non-profit community development and organizational leadership.
Who knows…
Maybe all these conversations this past week are connected, or maybe it is just Gods way of saying,
“keep trying, keep believing, keep inspiring others along the way. I am in you as you are in me and I will reveal my true nature to others as you become who you are.”
I am excitted about this new season.
lately I’ve been thinking
So I have been thinking a lot about this title of my blog…
I do not like it anymore… (Any suggestions?)
Here is why:
Every month since December I face a goal that seems larger than my capability to fulfill. There is a sense of fear all around me and I wake up with my heart racing. It is that moment when I think:
I need a drink.
What if we don’t make it?
How will we reach our goal?
Then I start to process these feelings and thoughts.
I fight the feeling of rage.
I become paralyzed by the amount of work before me.
Then I try to numb my feelings.
This has never worked.
I think it is time to confront the basic fear of humanity.
Death, the end of it all, or is it a new beginning.
One day I will find out.
Till then there is a practical need to be met and I have accepted the responsability. What is funny about this free verse i just wrote, is that I am talking about sales goals… These goals are based on the bottom line of helping people, yet I act as though i can not help myself.
Here is what has helped;
1. A return to the Spiritual formation that healed me once before; the desire to have a relationship with Christ.
However, I do not know how anymore. I think it is in reading and understanding the simple concept and impossibility of the Gospel, then By faith taking a step toward the belief that The Kingdom has come and will come again, at any moment someone can lay their life down for another and in the moment the Kingdom is revealed.
2. Cooking; I love grilling and preparing meals for people. (If you are interested let me know.) I realized with a little investment in healthy, tasty food, I feel better about my responsibility to my body.
3. Planning; I love planning for the future and seeing dreams realized. I believe we were created to become more fully alive and in that experience of reconciliation to the Creator we experience the Kingdom; healing, hope and the fulfillment of the Story. I am not the end…
4. A new apartment; Moving into a space where the ceiling is nine feet high. Recently, Andrea and I moved in the apt. Off the back of my parents house. They gave me the greatest gift, allowing us to pick the colors and carpet. This may be the greatest contribution to the expression of who I am. I love interior expression through design.
5. Community; I realized recently that the “living room” which is a group of individuals practicing simple communal activities once a week that reflect the call of the Gospels. Caring for the inward and outward needs of the greater community, sharing a meal, playing a game, listening to a story, hearing a teaching, singing a song, confronting a difference, embracing the discomfort in another person, helping each other experience the Kingdom.
6. Movies; I love movies more than books. I am picky about what I watch, and some of the best stories have helped me recently like;
This is a story that begs the question, “what if mental illness is a way for the person to communicate?” What if the person suffering needs the illness? What if the suffering is processing? What if a community embraced all of the person even the illness it self?
7. Family; I have the pleasure of working with my family to realize a dream. A coffee company that supports community development; community of communities, connecting the disconnected people of the under developed world through the industry of coffee.
Here is what I am looking forward to over the next couple month. I am creating a room in my apt. Where I can write, read, play music, watch, listen, contemplate and wait. One day this will be where my child resides, I hope?
Let us all keep dreaming, believing and hoping in more than us.
When other people seem to have more fun
Lately I have been morning my inability of having fun.
Then I realized fun is a choice I am not making in my day to day decisions.
I have become obsessed by the work I long to complete that is un completable on a large scale.
There are things that are fun for me, i am now doing.
Cooking being one of them.
My goal is to find ways to eat more food that is a live than processed. I would like create meals based around that theme and see how my body reacts. How weird that this is fun for me.
Watching American Idol has been fun for me lately.
I love it when a singer gets it right, they pick the right song and connect with the harmonies and melodies of the moment. This is embaressing how fun this is for me.
I like walking my dog in the morninig. I try to run but I get to tired quickly. It would be fun to be in good shape again.
I like reading a chapter in a book and pondering the ideas presented. I have fun thinking about the possibility that God is involved in every little detail of living.
i would like to pay more attention to my body, my breathing my eating. I want to think of my self, more than my thoughts or my emotions. How is that possible and why do I long to be more than my thinking, and doing?
There is so much depth to living that I have only tasted in part and I want to swallow it whole.
Going away scares me
This weekend I will go away with some friends to North Carolina.
In preparation for this trip I think about a couple things:
How much money will i spend?
How far will I be behind in my work on my return?
How much sleep will I get?
IN these questions is the suggested assumption that negative things will take place.
The realization from this is a negative outlook on traveling.
A loss of control and a feeling of vulnerability.
However, if you were to ask me one of my favorite things, i would reply, “traveling”.
How odd, don’t you think?
Wanting the Best for People
I had a conversation with one of the people on our Sales Team.
This is an amazing person with a heart to serve others. He is caught in a place I have found myself in several times. A place where hard work is just not enough of a motivation to do everything in there power to succeed.
I know he wants to do what is right and I believe he will.
This is how I know I want what is best for people.
When I surrender the right to tell them, when i believe in more than my own instinct.
I would like to be like this more often…
How about you?
What is a Preacher
A preacher is one who communicates the gospel to people.
I have often found it hard to view the pastor as the soul preacher, even more now than before. Today we have all sorts of preaching but very little gospel revelation.
I have scene the gospel and I have experienced the Kingdom in the most unlikely of places. The parts of the Gospels that inspire me are the part where the impossible is realized or the wrong is made right. IE, sitting with sinners, healing the sick or talking to woman.
There are parts of the Gospels so human they often go un noticed by most evangelicals, parts that reveal the very nature of man and the very possibility of God.
Tomorrow night I will share the story of One Village Coffee to over 100 employees of a Whole Foods Market in my community. This is an opportunity I am grateful for. From the perspective of the listener, I am just another voice in the market of wholesaling goods through their venue. From my perspective I am a man apart of a emerging organization designed around organic principles of growth. Care for the customer and contribution to greater society, the enabling of the poor to sustain a society longing for growth and change.
I am a simple person full of dreams for more than I can create, the possibility that God is involved in Creation and wants all of us to be involved together. Tomorrow night will be a moment like that, and my only hope is that I will be aware enough to see the Gospel. The place were the Good News of God So loved the World… The space and time where The Creator steps in and Create His image, divulging the secret of the Universe…
There is a God and that God is love, and in Him there is no darkness at all…
Wont you pray with me…
